At 9 years old, Kathy’s father came into her dimly lit bedroom and lay down beside her and began to stroke her hair. What happened next was wrong and Kathy knew it was wrong. Her father had told her she could never tell anyone, so she buried the secret deep inside herself.
Jimmy was a strong athletic teenager who loved to play football. He always struggled in the locker room because he knew he was different. He liked looking at the other boys which made him feel like there was something wrong with him. He had to keep his feelings a secret.
Susan was unhappily married. Her husband was never home because he traveled for work. She had an affair which resulted in her becoming pregnant. She was afraid of her husband and boyfriends potential response so she secretly had an abortion. She never disclosed her secret to anyone.
What do Kathy, Jimmy, and Susan all have in common…SHAME!
Shame is the inner experience of feeling worthless, wrong, rejected, or cast-out. Shame is believing that you are not loved because you are not lovable. Shame is very painful and debilitating. Often shame is associated with secrets like those of Kathy, Jimmy, and Susan. People often develop many coping strategies, conscious and unconscious, numbing and destructive, to avoid the torture of shame.
The sinister thing about shame is that it opens the door for lies to come in, take root and assert control. Here are some of the more common ones:
In my studies of Core Energetics, we utilize the Pathwork lectures given by Eva Pierrakos who was the wife of Core Energetics founder John Pierrakos. The lectures are an astonishing road map to self-responsibility, self-knowledge, and true self-acceptance. They point the way to genuine love of self, others, and the Divine.
Finding the truth and letting go of shame can be very difficult. In the Pathwork Lecture # 117, the guide states the following regarding shame. “I advise all of you to think about this specific part of the path. Are you aware of what you are ashamed? If not, you will need to find it. If you are, to what degree do you tackle the issue? Take it into your self-confrontation, by yourself, and probe deeply, bringing out the issue that causes your shame. Do not try to find immediate reasons and answers, explanations and justifications. Simply admit those aspects that cause you shame. Write down in exact and precise terms what it is and why you feel you need to be ashamed. The usual answer is that your are afraid of appearing less in the eyes of others, less lovable and respectable, inviting belittlement and humiliation. Find how this general observation applies specifically to you. Then challenge yourself to confront the issue of discussing it openly. Observe the increase of inner freedom as you succeed, even if only to a small degree at a time. Maintain your awareness. Do not force your self-revelation unduly, though some courage may be necessary. If you decide to wait, do not forget the issue; continue to observe your daily reactions from this angle. You may be sure that your deep-rooted unresolved problems stand in direct relationship to your shame, your inhibitions and your daily disharmonious feelings.”
